


lately i begin to shake (for no reason at all)

by anyabarnes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Peter Parker, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Peter Parker Deserves Better, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Vent Work, this is honestly just something for me i couldn't care how well it does, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 15:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyabarnes/pseuds/anyabarnes
Summary: peter knows he doesn’t matter. he knows he’ll never matter.





	lately i begin to shake (for no reason at all)

**Author's Note:**

> vent fic.
> 
> based off the song: i can't handle change by roar.
> 
> please stay safe. click out of this if you are not in a good mental state.

_needcontrolneedcontrolneedcontrolneedcontrol_

peter knows he doesn’t matter. he knows he’ll never matter. it doesn’t matter. as long as other people are happy, he can pretend to be happy. it’s not like they’ll ever even notice. 

\- 

_ican’thandlechange_

\- 

peter knows he doesn’t deserve food. he’s never deserved food. he’d heard the hushed conversations coming from the other side of may’s wall, the ‘i don’t know what to do’s and the ‘i can’t just ask him to stop eating so much’ and his personal favorite ‘he’s a growing boy, i’ll just eat less to accommodate his diet’s. 

he knows he’s not allowed to take food from may. he knows he’s not worth it. he stops eating. it’s easy, it really is. may’s never home, so he doesn’t even have to try and make up excuses for anyone. he just stares at the bread, the thin slices so symmetrical and delicious smelling; that’s all he needs_ thatsallyoudeservethatsallyoudeservethatsallyoudeserve-_

there are people who actually need the food. he’s not one of them. he’ll never be one of them. 

\- 

_nothingidoisevergood _

\- 

he controls it-his eating. if he can’t be a good enough nephew at least he won’t be a financial burden. may never says anything. _ofcourseshewouldntshe’shappyyouaren’teating- _ peter can tell from the way her shoulders sit a little higher and her face fills out more-he’s doing something good. for once in his measly pathetic life, he’s making someone happy. _notenoughnotenoughnotenoughnotenough-_

he controls it until it isn’t enough and he can’t do it right _patheticpatheticpatheticpathetic- _control slipping through his fingers like butter buttered crusts of too expensive pizza pizza boxes filling up the trash need to take the trash out need to hide the empty ice cream cartons from may need to be good need to be good _needtobegoodneedtobegoodneedtobegood-_

\- 

_nothingidoisevergoodenough_

\- 

mj and ned never notice. not like he expects them to. they don’t really like him-he knows this. from the little ‘shut up peter’s to the ‘ you’re the annoying one of the group’-he knows they will never truly like him the way they like each other. 

so it’s easy. it’s too easy. hiding behind his phone as he munches down on the apple _nintycaloriesadollarthirtyninetoomuchmoneyyoudon’tdeserveit_-they don’t hear him over plans to hang out-why isn’t he ever invited?-he doesn’t deserve to be invited, he decides. it’s not like they would actually miss him. 

they don’t really like him anyways. they are just pretending. 

\- 

_leavemealone_

\- 

he’s so tired all the time. school work piles in his bag with tests and unfinished essays and unresearched projects and not good enough grades. he gets a normal amount of school work-that’s what they tell him-there’s no reason to be upset. he just needs to learn time management. then maybe he’ll be good enough to actually be worth anything. 

\- 

_iwanttogohome_

\- 

food doesn’t isn’t enough anymore. he needs more control he needs more control he needs more control- 

ninety-two’s and seventy-three’s and eighty-five’s sit piled in his bag, another testimony to how_ not good enough he is._ he got a ninety-two-ned got a ninety-six and mj got a ninety-eight. he got an eighty-five while ned got a ninety and mj got an ninety-two. he got a seventy-three as ned got an a hundred and mj got a nintey-seven. 

_needtobeincontrolneedtobeincontrolneedtobeincontrol-_

he sits studying. it feels like all he ever does is study. not that it pays off. an eighty-nine sits heavy in his bag _notgoodenough _a grade three points lower than ned’s. maybe if he gets smarter they will like him more. maybe if he wasn’t so_ fucking stupid _they would accept him. 

maybe if he wasn’t such a fuck-up they would want to be around him. 

he pushes away that though as though it were sweet sugary calorie-filled ice cream, turning back to his pre-calc textbook. if he can’t understand why his friends don’t like him, then maybe he can understand parametric equations. 

maybe then he’ll be enough. 

\- 

_iknowitsnotyourfault _

\- 

he steps on to may’s scale, the soft scuff of his feet pressing harsh against the cold metal. _toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch- _he’s so_ fat._ why didn’t anyone tell him he was so _fat? _maybe that’s why they don’t like him, he muses, downloading the calorie counter on his phone. 

he doesn’t let himself dwell on the sick feeling of satisfaction he gets when the counter tells him he needs to eat more. 

he weighs himself once at night and once in the morning. it’s not _enough_, he still doesn’t have control_ heneedscontrolheneedscontrol-_

he doesn’t know where to find it. as his pants slowly start fitting him looser and looser and he has to poke another hole in his belt with the pair of rusty scissors in the kitchen counter, he wonders if he will ever be enough. he knows he won’t. 

\- 

_stilllatelyibegintoshake_

\- 

the first time it happens may tells him she doesn’t mind. she tells him she is always here for him, and that if he needs to go home she will be glad to pick him up. he sits in the bathroom, barely seeing him phone over thick bubbling tears, hot, rolling down his face. he gasps. he just wants to breathe. 

he can’t breathe until she is walking him out of the front office, her hand wrapped tightly around his arm. she comes home with him and stays for the rest of the day, petting his hair softly and holding him when he sleeps. 

the second and third time may tells him she doesn’t mind. she tells him she is always here for him, and that if he needs to go home she will be glad to pick him up. he sits in math class, phone tucked under the desk, begging her to pick him up. 

he knew she would have a breaking point, he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. 

_burdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburdenburden-_

‘i can’t keep picking you up,’ she tells him softly, sitting in the office. ‘it’s becoming too much peter. really, i can’t. have you tried going to the counselor’s office and talking to her? i’m sure she would be glad to help you.’ she brushes his hair out of his eyes. 

he tries to smile. 

she believes him. 

\- 

_fornoreasonatall_

\- 

he knew she would have a breaking point, he just didn’t expect it to be too soon. 

he knew he was a burden. 

it just hurt so much more to hear her say it out loud; to hear her say she _couldn’t _do it. peter doesn’t know what he was expecting though. it’s not like he’s worth it. he should’ve known how much of a burden he was being. 

he’ll just be better now. 

if he doesn’t ask of anything from anyone, they will like him so much more. 

they will, they have to. 

\- 

_ican’thandlechange_

\- 

sometimes his heart hurts so much. it feels like a claw is coming up from his painfully empty stomach and latching on to his right coronary artery and just _dragging_. the pain is sharp sharp sharp _sharp,_ and it leaves him breathless. it _hurts._ it hurts so much that sometimes he just stops everything, pain ringing in every limb of his body. 

_pathetic,_ he tells himself as he beats his hip. 

if he can’t control anything else, at least he can control his pain. 

he deserves it anyways. 

\- 

_ICAN’THANDLECHANGE_

\- 

he just wants to be good enough. 

what is he doing wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, at this point i would say something like 'leave kudos and comments' but i dont give a shit. if you read this, thank you.
> 
> i have been dealing with a lot recently and this was just something i needed to get off my chest. if you relate to this in anyway, i'm sorry. you deserve so much better.
> 
> i love you. i love every single one of you. you all deserve love and happiness and joy. 
> 
> if you need someone to vent to, come talk to me @anyabarnes on tumblr. please. i don't care if we know each other or not, come talk to me. even if it is just dropping an anon ask in my ask box to tell me about your day. you aren't burdening me. 
> 
> i love every single one of you.


End file.
